When i was little, and even into my late teens and twenties, i would spend a lot of time with my Mema. (grandmother) Just hanging out, watching movies, going to the store, out to Panda Buffet, sleeping over just normal grandkid/Mema things. My Mema was a crochet-er. She would make afghans, lap blankets, baby afghans, pot holders all kinds of things. i remember one night when i slept over i asked her to teach me how to do it. She gave me a hook a skein of yarn and we sat for about two hours while she showed me how to crochet. just the basics of twisting a single string of yarn over and over on a little hook and turning it into something beautiful. that night i made things not so beautiful, just long trains of single crochet, but it was a start.
The thing is, that although she taught me this wonderful skill, i learned from her way more than just how to make an afghan, a hat, a pot holder.
i learned to live in the moment. each time i move the hook from loop to loop i have to concentrate on exactly what I'm doing. not looking back, or too far forward, just right at that space of time when what i am immediately touching is what is most important.
i learned to give from the heart. every project that i create is a labor of love. it take time, creativity and energy. when you crochet, at least when i crochet, every stitch is like a little prayer. may the afghan comfort the receiver, may this afghan bring warmth in the cold, may this afghan wrap the person in the love that i am pouring into it.
i learned patience. a lot of patience. and i am not an extremely patient person. it is a time commitment to sit down and create something from nothing. especially in larger sized projects. sometimes it can take me two months to complete an afghan. so patience is key.
i learned perseverance. that when i sit down and start a project i must see it through to it's completion. i can't just get halfway through and say, oh well I'm tired of this. I'm done. no, you must see it all the way to the end, to it's complete fruition. and the joy that a completed project brings is it's own reward.
of course all these things go way beyond just crocheting. i apply these traits to every aspect of my life. it's just recently that "living in the moment" has become a key part of y cognitive therapy to get thru my depressive episodes. "giving form the heart" of my time and talents to the church, to my family, to my friends. "patience" well my patience is tested everyday, i do have three young children. and "perseverance" was a tough one. i fight very hard to see all things to the end and not to give up when times are tough.
Did Mema know that when she sat down with me that evening that she was instilling in me values that would carry me through out the most difficult times of my life? i dunno. maybe. But i think the biggest lesson from all of this is that when you pass down knowledge and skills to the people around you, the people you love, you are teaching them much more than that skill. not only that, you are reinforcing your connection to that person by teaching them that skill. every time i create something from crochet a little bit of that evening with my Mema goes into it. a little bit of the love we had for each other is poured into that project.
thank you Mema for loving me so much and teaching me what you knew. i miss you.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Trust
The other day, while i was at t-ball watching DJ, we played a game. with me holding him with his legs wrapped round my waist, facing me, i asked him "do you trust me?". and he looked at me like he wasn't sure what i was asking. i said to him "give me your arms and lean back.'. reluctantly he handed me his hands, and very very slowly leaned back. "you have to trust me." i said. eventually he was upside down, clinging by his legs, hands in mine. thoroughly enjoying himself being in an upside down world. We did it again and again. and each time he would grab my hands he would say over and over "i trust you mommy, i trust you".
not only was this a great joy to have my child completely and utterly believe in me, it made me think about who i trust and what trust is. trust, as the dictionary says it is : wow i just looked it up and there at least 45 different versions of the word trust!! to see them all go to http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/trust but I'll go with the best one..... trust is: 10. Assured anticipation; dependence upon something future or contingent, as if present or actual; hope; belief. In other words, you have faith that all roads will lead to conclusion that is best. you hope that mommy will not drop you while your upside down.
But, sometimes trust and expectation collide. expectation definition: http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/expectation i really like 8. The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank. With expectation you are always anticipating that the results will be in your favor. That the best will always happen to you, that mommy will never drop you while you are upside down.
With trust you are hoping they go in your favor. With expectation you absolutely believe that it will go in your favor.
God has let me fall too many times to count. i have sunk into very scary places of suicide, homicide and extremely destructive behavior. i have seen the absolute darkest places of my heart, where there is no hope. no comfort. no solace. no understanding. only the darkest nights of the feeling....well the feeling of nothing. no joy. no anger. no happiness. not even sadness can describe it. it is a black hole where no light can shine through and all that i could look upon was the shadow of who i was. a veil like image. crumpled, beaten and pulled so deep within myself that nothing else mattered. nothing existed. nothing could effect me in either a positive or negative way. i was an "in between" human being. halfway here and halfway to feeling like i just didn't exist in this world anymore. not connected to either "here" or "there".
Why did i fall? I expected God to not let me fall!! i expected as a faithful member of His children not to let me get so bad!! He was like me, a mother caring for her child, why would he let his child fall and be hurt so deeply?? are we not his children? is it not His responsibility not to let us feel pain, despair and loneliness??
What i have learned are many things, but here is one. like i said, trust and expectation are two different things. at the time i was expecting God to handle it. I thought that only the "good" outcome would happen and that would be for me to be my normal happy self. to expect God to make me right, and whole and someone without brain damage. To make me who i was before all the horribles happened. what i learned to do was trust God to handle it. To believe and hope in His great understanding of whom i truly am supposed to be. by trusting in Him I learned that only by falling as far as i did that i could learn how STRONG i could be. the trust of the greater plan, than i could have ever imagined, far outweighed the expectation of the short term goals i thought were important. in the end He knew what was important, and that was becoming who I am now and who i continue to grow to be.
Trusting is not a full understanding of how life, or the world, should be. trusting is knowing that in the end you will learn what is right for you, your loved ones and those all around you. expectations will only lead you to road that is unfulfilled and not truly where you are supposed to be.
not only was this a great joy to have my child completely and utterly believe in me, it made me think about who i trust and what trust is. trust, as the dictionary says it is : wow i just looked it up and there at least 45 different versions of the word trust!! to see them all go to http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/trust but I'll go with the best one..... trust is: 10. Assured anticipation; dependence upon something future or contingent, as if present or actual; hope; belief. In other words, you have faith that all roads will lead to conclusion that is best. you hope that mommy will not drop you while your upside down.
But, sometimes trust and expectation collide. expectation definition: http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/expectation i really like 8. The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank. With expectation you are always anticipating that the results will be in your favor. That the best will always happen to you, that mommy will never drop you while you are upside down.
With trust you are hoping they go in your favor. With expectation you absolutely believe that it will go in your favor.
God has let me fall too many times to count. i have sunk into very scary places of suicide, homicide and extremely destructive behavior. i have seen the absolute darkest places of my heart, where there is no hope. no comfort. no solace. no understanding. only the darkest nights of the feeling....well the feeling of nothing. no joy. no anger. no happiness. not even sadness can describe it. it is a black hole where no light can shine through and all that i could look upon was the shadow of who i was. a veil like image. crumpled, beaten and pulled so deep within myself that nothing else mattered. nothing existed. nothing could effect me in either a positive or negative way. i was an "in between" human being. halfway here and halfway to feeling like i just didn't exist in this world anymore. not connected to either "here" or "there".
Why did i fall? I expected God to not let me fall!! i expected as a faithful member of His children not to let me get so bad!! He was like me, a mother caring for her child, why would he let his child fall and be hurt so deeply?? are we not his children? is it not His responsibility not to let us feel pain, despair and loneliness??
What i have learned are many things, but here is one. like i said, trust and expectation are two different things. at the time i was expecting God to handle it. I thought that only the "good" outcome would happen and that would be for me to be my normal happy self. to expect God to make me right, and whole and someone without brain damage. To make me who i was before all the horribles happened. what i learned to do was trust God to handle it. To believe and hope in His great understanding of whom i truly am supposed to be. by trusting in Him I learned that only by falling as far as i did that i could learn how STRONG i could be. the trust of the greater plan, than i could have ever imagined, far outweighed the expectation of the short term goals i thought were important. in the end He knew what was important, and that was becoming who I am now and who i continue to grow to be.
Trusting is not a full understanding of how life, or the world, should be. trusting is knowing that in the end you will learn what is right for you, your loved ones and those all around you. expectations will only lead you to road that is unfulfilled and not truly where you are supposed to be.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
My first blog
I am a person who has seen joy. I am a person who has felt deep pain. I am a person who has dived into the depths of despiar. I am a person who has felt the healing hand of God. I am a person who makes mistakes. I am a person who guides the future of tommorrow. I am a person who creates something from nothing. I am a person who relishes in childhood dreams. I am a person who can make a single piece of string into an amazing thing. I am a person who gives from the heart. I am a person who finds family in friends, and friends in family. I am a person who has a story to tell.....
This is my story. this will be the gathering of all that I know. it will be a place where I can say, in complete freedom, my hopes, my worries, my strengths, my fears, my day, stories of my beautiful children, my poems, my hope for the future, the bathroom sink being clogged and the tub backing up behind it, my love for family and friends, my inner most thoughts and the funny things that happen to me as we walk home from school....I do not expect many to read this. For, what is one persons journey among the millions around the world? Is my hurt greater than anothers? Is my story more worthy than yours? The answer is no. But here I may find that I can at last bring my thoughs together. big and small. About the Father above right down to why the cat is dragging around a half alive mouse around the bedroom of the children.
The only forgivenss I will ask of anybody who reads this blog is... the forgivenss of my terrible grammer, horrible spelling, and absolutley atrocious typing skills. There. I even think I misspelled atrocius. There is your first glimpse into how it will be.
Yet, if you put aside the technical aspect of what is going on here and look at the true heart of the matter, you may find yourself finding new ways to teach your children, a fresh outlook on the life of Jesus (who is very close to my heart thank you very much) you may travel with me trough the gospel or wait pateintly with me as i try create another masterpice, you may hear about the wonderful glorius awakenings of the woods in the spring or go with me inch by inch as i try to make an afghan. Just so you know you may also hear my desperate cries to have my husband take down the christmas lights from the house in April,but i will try to keep those to a minimum.
This is a place for me to say what i have to say, and those that choose to hear, to hear it. What I write here is true, now you may become a part of it. My sarcasm abounds, and yes sometimes, I am mildly funny and that alone may make this whole thing worth while to you.
This is my story. this will be the gathering of all that I know. it will be a place where I can say, in complete freedom, my hopes, my worries, my strengths, my fears, my day, stories of my beautiful children, my poems, my hope for the future, the bathroom sink being clogged and the tub backing up behind it, my love for family and friends, my inner most thoughts and the funny things that happen to me as we walk home from school....I do not expect many to read this. For, what is one persons journey among the millions around the world? Is my hurt greater than anothers? Is my story more worthy than yours? The answer is no. But here I may find that I can at last bring my thoughs together. big and small. About the Father above right down to why the cat is dragging around a half alive mouse around the bedroom of the children.
The only forgivenss I will ask of anybody who reads this blog is... the forgivenss of my terrible grammer, horrible spelling, and absolutley atrocious typing skills. There. I even think I misspelled atrocius. There is your first glimpse into how it will be.
Yet, if you put aside the technical aspect of what is going on here and look at the true heart of the matter, you may find yourself finding new ways to teach your children, a fresh outlook on the life of Jesus (who is very close to my heart thank you very much) you may travel with me trough the gospel or wait pateintly with me as i try create another masterpice, you may hear about the wonderful glorius awakenings of the woods in the spring or go with me inch by inch as i try to make an afghan. Just so you know you may also hear my desperate cries to have my husband take down the christmas lights from the house in April,but i will try to keep those to a minimum.
This is a place for me to say what i have to say, and those that choose to hear, to hear it. What I write here is true, now you may become a part of it. My sarcasm abounds, and yes sometimes, I am mildly funny and that alone may make this whole thing worth while to you.
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