Leviticus 18:22

Have you had a conversation with a Christian they says they are against same sex marriage? I certainly have, and I find it completely frustrating and enraging the things some people say. First I need to say that people can believe whatever they want. Whatever it's your walk with God, not mine. I also I need to say that the Bible can be read by somebody one way and the person sitting next to them can read the same Bible and have a totally different perception of what is being said. It's when the people start using the Bible as a weapon of hate, is when I start to get really ticked off. When they pluck out certain passages, take them out of context, and make them a doctrine, and preach from pulpits for congregations saying "this is God's will!!". When they use the words to bring down other people, try to control their lives and impress that their thoughts on the Bible are the true ones and everyone else is wrong, a sinner and going to hell, well those are the "Christians" that I have a problem with.

Ever hear the phrase "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and the usually stink." ? Well here is my opinion. And i think it smells like roses, thank you very much.

In a conversation I had with one of these people it came up "Where does it say that God is against same sex marriage?" and of course they went right to the old bigot stand by, "Lev 18:22 Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman that is detestable."  First off I asked you about same sex marriage. This says nothing about love, commitment, raising children and giving to the community. This talks about sex. AND it only covers one half of the the sexual relations homosexuals have, as it doesn't mention anything about women. So there is the first thing i find flawed in your opinion of the Bible.

I thought to myself afterward if Leviticus is so important in Christianity today, maybe I should read it and see what else it says. So I did. I found some out some very interesting stuff. Leviticus chapters 1-7 tells me exactly how to sacrifice bulls, lambs, doves and other animals to God in atonement for my sins. Step by step gory detail, of what to do with innards and brains and where to put the blood on the bulls horns. Seven full chapters. Yup, that's relevant. Leviticus 1:9-tells us about not eating anything from the sea with out fins and scales. I better stop eating my fried calamari and going to Red Lobster, God commands it. LEV 13 47-52 Will tell what to do about having mildew on articles of clothing and tents. Come on all you upstanding "Christians" follow me to my basement to make sure i use the correct amount of bleach. I don't want to sin!

"But Theresa," you may ask. "LEV 18:22 is talking about sex." Well I'll tell you that all of LEV 18 is dedicated to sexual behavior and what not to do. LEV 18:16 Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife; that would dishonor your brother. Where in the state laws does it say that I can not do this? Oh yeah it doesn't. LEV 18:18 Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living,there are people out there who get divorced and re-marry their sister-in-law. Don't hear much opposition to that. And according to "LEV 18:19 Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period" all the churches in the country should be standing with picket signs outside my bedroom window because I am a sinner and going to hell.

I'll tell you something else I found in LEV. LEV 19:18 Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. And funny, it sounds kinda familiar.......I think if I'm going to pluck anything out of LEV it will be this one.

Being Mom

Right now I'm am sitting up late to make sure that a puking DJ makes it to the bathroom each time that the urge comes over him to do so. And as i sit here i read a passage on face book that says something similar to " I am your Mother first and your friend second....." It goes on about how mothers look after the well being of their children rather than caving into being someone at the same level as the children.

What does it take exactly to be a mom? the basics are food, clothing, shelter, school. They teach them the ABC's and 123's. They teach about love for God and Jesus. They teach children that there are rules of society respect, laws and civic duty. They show them what courage and respect is.  They teach them love, honesty and truth. They show them what chlorophyll is and that is how the grass is green and how Hawaii was created and why the Great Wall of China was built. (well at least that are the kind of questions my children ask about the world)

Mothers open the doors of the world to their children. They are the tying link between who kids are as they are young and who they grow up to be. Mothers can be what you always aspire to be. The kind of person who is strong,loving,caring, giving and always there for you.

I hope to always be there for my children. God willing, I will be.

Right now my children are at the stage where they need someone to guide them. Someone to show them the rules of the "playground". They need me to be the police, per say, and make sure that they don't kill each other in fights over transforming toys and building blocks. They still need me to help them take care of their dishes when they are done with breakfast, change their sheets and tell them which pile is theirs of the clean laundry.

One day tho they will change their own sheets, and fold their own laundry. They will not need me to look over their shoulder or have me be there while they read a story from their school books. Not only will they not need me to do it, they won't want me to either. they will hit the stage, as all of us do, that Mommy is not the lead in their life anymore. when friends and (oh god I'll say it) girlfriends become foremost on their mind than whether or not Mommy approves. And I'm sure that will last for several years, I'm guessing from about 9-23. And I'm being gracious in that bc I want my children to think I'm the most important from at least 11-20.

It is my hope that when my kids come out of the "mommy don't know nothing" stage that they will appreciate all that i have done as the police officer that i was when they were growing up. In all honesty I look forward to my children being adults.

Here is why.

I want to sit down with my kids and talk about God. To have them question authority with me. To ask me why the government stands this way or another. I want to see a 25 year old Spencer ask me "why?" of society the same way he asked me "why?" when i wouldn't let the 5 year old Spencer eat a second cupcake. I want them to ask me these questions. To sit down with me, not as a mother, but as a friend and confidant. To feel that their mother is no longer the police or guiding force in their lives, but an educated, loving reasoning adult that expresses many of the same view point of the world as they do. And even as adults if we disagree, well then that's OK because we are adults and we are allowed to our viewpoint.

I guess that what I am saying is that I know that I am raising three children. They will always and forever be my children. But it is my hope that when they get to the right age, that we may also be friends.

The Playground

I absolutely love taking the kids to the playground behind their school. I love to watch them run, play, learn and explore. I love seeing as they grow new skills, the increase their hand eye coordination, and having them explore new parts of the playground as they get older. The joy on their faces as they race around the wood chips playing tag and just plain ol' having fun. Eventually comes the time when the fun has to end and we have to go home. I call to them "LAST SLIDE" they groan a little and fight me a little yet they each, in turn, go to the biggest slide, go down and come to me so we can leave. As we walk past the school there is a small hill. I let the kids roll down the hill on the grass as many times as they want before we get to the parking lot. On the walk home we continue the fun as they race from house to house, in anticipation of me stepping on the same block as them so they can shoot to the next driveway. So even though the fun has ended on the playground, we continue to have joy as we head home.

Life is a playground were we all run, learn, play, develop and grow. Sometimes, in life, we have our "last slide". God may not shout out to us when that will happen tho. You never know when will be the last phone call to a friend, the last time you hug your mother, the last time you hold your partners hand. I'm not saying that we should all walk on eggshells waiting for those horrible, inevitable times to come. Just as children playing on the playground, we need to enjoy ourselves in the moments of small joys and amazing triumphs with our friends and family, not in anticipation of our last slide.

What i want to concentrate on is how we choose to walk home. I could walk home with three very crabby children who are all angry that they had to leave the playground. Have them dwelling on their last slide and wishing that they had one more turn. Instead we embrace that we are done and continue with other things that make us happy. Using the time we have now, the walk home, to have fun. We have a choice after our last slide in life how we "walk home" after tragedies. Yes, it is important to acknowledge the pain and the hurt, but eventually you have to continue with your life. How do you choose to "walk home"? Full of pain, anger, regret? Wishing forever that you had just one more slide? Or do you choose to roll down the grassy hill?

When it came to my own personal walk home it took me almost three years to let go of my anger, sadness and pain. It took a lot of therapy, talking and looking deep within myself at who i am. It took a long time for me to understand that a last slide had happened and that i needed to choose how i walk home. I'm glad that i finally chose to roll down the hill in the grass, to race from house to house, and not walk home with regret in my heart wishing for one more slide.

Crochet

When i was little, and even into my late teens and twenties, i would spend a lot of time with my Mema. (grandmother) Just hanging out, watching movies, going to the store, out to Panda Buffet,  sleeping over just normal grandkid/Mema things. My Mema was a crochet-er. She would make afghans, lap blankets, baby afghans, pot holders all kinds of things. i remember one night when i slept over i asked her to teach me how to do it. She gave me a hook a skein of yarn and we sat for about two hours while she showed me how to crochet. just the basics of twisting a single string of yarn over and over on a little hook and turning it into something beautiful. that night i made things not so beautiful, just long trains of single crochet, but it was a start.

The thing is, that although she taught me this wonderful skill, i learned from her way more than just how to make an afghan, a hat, a pot holder.

i learned to live in the moment. each time i move the hook from loop to loop i have to concentrate on exactly what I'm doing. not looking back, or too far forward, just right at that space of time when what i am immediately touching is what is most important.

i learned to give from the heart. every project that i create is a labor of love. it take time, creativity and energy. when you crochet, at least when i crochet, every stitch is like a little prayer. may the afghan comfort the receiver, may this afghan bring warmth in the cold, may this afghan wrap the person in the love that i am pouring into it.

i learned patience. a lot of patience. and i am not an extremely patient person. it is a time commitment to sit down and create something from nothing. especially in larger sized projects. sometimes it can take me two months to complete an afghan. so patience is key.

i learned perseverance. that when i sit down and start a project i must see it through to it's completion. i can't just get halfway through and say, oh well I'm tired of this. I'm done. no, you must see it all the way to the end, to it's complete fruition. and the joy that a completed project brings is it's own reward.

of course all these things go way beyond just crocheting. i apply these traits to every aspect of my life. it's just recently that "living in the moment" has become a key part of y cognitive therapy to get thru my depressive episodes. "giving form the heart" of my time and talents to the church, to my family, to my friends. "patience" well my patience is tested everyday, i do have three young children. and "perseverance" was a tough one. i fight very hard to see all things to the end and not to give up when times are tough.

Did Mema know that when she sat down with me that evening that she was instilling in me values that would carry me through out the most difficult times of my life? i dunno. maybe. But i think the biggest lesson from all of this is that when you pass down knowledge and skills to the people around you, the people you love, you are teaching them much more than that skill. not only that, you are reinforcing your connection to that person by teaching them that skill. every time i create something from crochet a little bit of that evening with my Mema goes into it. a little bit of the love we had for each other is poured into that project.

thank you Mema for loving me so much and teaching me what you knew. i miss you.

Trust

The other day, while i was at t-ball watching DJ, we played a game. with me holding him with his legs wrapped round my waist, facing me, i asked him "do you trust me?". and he looked at me like he wasn't sure what i was asking. i said to him "give me your arms and lean back.'. reluctantly he handed me his hands, and very very slowly leaned back. "you have to trust me." i said. eventually he was upside down, clinging by his legs, hands in mine. thoroughly enjoying himself being in an upside down world. We did it again and again. and each time he would grab my hands he would say over and over "i trust you mommy, i trust you".

not only was this a great joy to have my child completely and utterly believe in me, it made me think about who i trust and what trust is. trust, as the dictionary says it is : wow i just looked it up and there at least 45 different versions of the word trust!! to see them all go to http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/trust but I'll go with the best one..... trust is: 10. Assured anticipation; dependence upon something future or contingent, as if present or actual; hope; belief. In other words, you have faith that all roads will lead to conclusion that is best. you hope that mommy will not drop you while your upside down.

But, sometimes trust and expectation collide. expectation definition: http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/expectation i really like 8. The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank. With expectation you are always anticipating that the results will be in your favor. That the best will always happen to you, that mommy will never drop you while you are upside down.

With trust you are hoping they go in your favor. With expectation you absolutely believe that it will go in your favor. 

God has let me fall too many times to count. i have sunk into very scary places of suicide, homicide and extremely destructive behavior. i have seen the absolute darkest places of my heart, where there is no hope. no comfort. no solace. no understanding. only the darkest nights of the feeling....well the feeling of nothing. no joy. no anger. no happiness. not even sadness can describe it. it is a black hole where no light can shine through and all that i could look upon was the shadow of who i was. a veil like image. crumpled, beaten and pulled so deep within myself that nothing else mattered. nothing existed. nothing could effect me in either a positive or negative way. i was an "in between" human being. halfway here and halfway to feeling like i just didn't exist in this world anymore. not connected to either "here" or "there".

Why did i fall? I expected God to not let me fall!! i expected as a faithful member of His children not to let me get so bad!! He was like me, a mother caring for her child, why would he let his child fall and be hurt so deeply?? are we not his children? is it not His responsibility not to let us feel pain, despair and loneliness??

What i have learned are many things, but here is one. like i said, trust and expectation are two different things. at the time i was expecting God to handle it. I thought that only the "good" outcome would happen and that would be for me to be my normal happy self. to expect God to make me right, and whole and someone without brain damage. To make me who i was before all the horribles happened. what i learned to do was trust God to handle it. To believe and hope in His great understanding of whom i truly am supposed to be. by trusting in Him I learned that only by falling as far as i did that i could learn how STRONG i could be. the trust of the greater plan, than i could have ever imagined, far outweighed the expectation of the short term goals i thought were important. in the end He knew what was important, and that was becoming who I am now and who i continue to grow to be.

Trusting is not a full understanding of how life, or the world, should be. trusting is knowing that in the end you will learn what is right for you, your loved ones and those all around you. expectations will only lead you to road that is unfulfilled and not truly where you are supposed to be.

My first blog

I am a person who has seen joy. I am a person who has felt deep pain. I am a person who has dived into the depths of despiar. I am a person who has felt the healing hand of God. I am a person who makes mistakes. I am a person who guides the future of tommorrow. I am a person who creates something from nothing. I am a person who relishes in childhood dreams. I am a person who can make a single piece of string into an amazing thing. I am a person who gives from the heart. I am a person who finds family in friends, and friends in family. I am a person who has a story to tell.....

This is my story. this will be the gathering of all that I know. it will be a place where I can say, in complete freedom, my hopes, my worries, my strengths, my fears, my day, stories of my beautiful children, my poems, my hope for the future, the bathroom sink being clogged and the tub backing up behind it, my love for family and friends, my inner most thoughts and the funny things that happen to me as we walk home from school....I do not expect many to read this. For, what is one persons journey among the millions around the world? Is my hurt greater than anothers? Is my story more worthy than yours? The answer is no. But here I may find that I can at last bring my thoughs together. big and small. About the Father above right down to why the cat is dragging around a half alive mouse around the bedroom of the children.

The only forgivenss I will ask of anybody who reads this blog is... the forgivenss of my terrible grammer, horrible spelling, and absolutley atrocious typing skills. There. I even think I misspelled atrocius. There is your first glimpse into how it will be.

Yet, if you put aside the technical aspect of what is going on here and look at the true heart of the matter, you may find yourself finding new ways to teach your children, a fresh outlook on the life of Jesus (who is very close to my heart thank you very much) you may travel with me trough the gospel or wait pateintly with me as i try create another masterpice, you may hear about the wonderful glorius awakenings of the woods in the spring or go with me inch  by inch as i try to make an afghan. Just so you know you may also hear my desperate cries to have my husband take down the christmas lights from the house in April,but i will try to keep those to a minimum.

This is a place for me to say what i have to say, and those that choose to hear, to hear it. What I write here is true, now you may become a part of it. My sarcasm abounds, and yes sometimes, I am mildly funny and that alone may make this whole thing worth while to you.