Trust

The other day, while i was at t-ball watching DJ, we played a game. with me holding him with his legs wrapped round my waist, facing me, i asked him "do you trust me?". and he looked at me like he wasn't sure what i was asking. i said to him "give me your arms and lean back.'. reluctantly he handed me his hands, and very very slowly leaned back. "you have to trust me." i said. eventually he was upside down, clinging by his legs, hands in mine. thoroughly enjoying himself being in an upside down world. We did it again and again. and each time he would grab my hands he would say over and over "i trust you mommy, i trust you".

not only was this a great joy to have my child completely and utterly believe in me, it made me think about who i trust and what trust is. trust, as the dictionary says it is : wow i just looked it up and there at least 45 different versions of the word trust!! to see them all go to http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/trust but I'll go with the best one..... trust is: 10. Assured anticipation; dependence upon something future or contingent, as if present or actual; hope; belief. In other words, you have faith that all roads will lead to conclusion that is best. you hope that mommy will not drop you while your upside down.

But, sometimes trust and expectation collide. expectation definition: http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definitions/expectation i really like 8. The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank. With expectation you are always anticipating that the results will be in your favor. That the best will always happen to you, that mommy will never drop you while you are upside down.

With trust you are hoping they go in your favor. With expectation you absolutely believe that it will go in your favor. 

God has let me fall too many times to count. i have sunk into very scary places of suicide, homicide and extremely destructive behavior. i have seen the absolute darkest places of my heart, where there is no hope. no comfort. no solace. no understanding. only the darkest nights of the feeling....well the feeling of nothing. no joy. no anger. no happiness. not even sadness can describe it. it is a black hole where no light can shine through and all that i could look upon was the shadow of who i was. a veil like image. crumpled, beaten and pulled so deep within myself that nothing else mattered. nothing existed. nothing could effect me in either a positive or negative way. i was an "in between" human being. halfway here and halfway to feeling like i just didn't exist in this world anymore. not connected to either "here" or "there".

Why did i fall? I expected God to not let me fall!! i expected as a faithful member of His children not to let me get so bad!! He was like me, a mother caring for her child, why would he let his child fall and be hurt so deeply?? are we not his children? is it not His responsibility not to let us feel pain, despair and loneliness??

What i have learned are many things, but here is one. like i said, trust and expectation are two different things. at the time i was expecting God to handle it. I thought that only the "good" outcome would happen and that would be for me to be my normal happy self. to expect God to make me right, and whole and someone without brain damage. To make me who i was before all the horribles happened. what i learned to do was trust God to handle it. To believe and hope in His great understanding of whom i truly am supposed to be. by trusting in Him I learned that only by falling as far as i did that i could learn how STRONG i could be. the trust of the greater plan, than i could have ever imagined, far outweighed the expectation of the short term goals i thought were important. in the end He knew what was important, and that was becoming who I am now and who i continue to grow to be.

Trusting is not a full understanding of how life, or the world, should be. trusting is knowing that in the end you will learn what is right for you, your loved ones and those all around you. expectations will only lead you to road that is unfulfilled and not truly where you are supposed to be.